A Virginal Porn Experience

The premise of porn is a pretty simple one: watch some full frontal sex, and have fun doing it. So what happens when someone who abstains from sexual activity experiences porn for the first time? With the motive to gain pleasure from porn all but removed, perhaps the plot can become slightly thinner than desired...


I was lying in bed with my boyfriend when he asked, “So, do you ever watch porn?”. To be fair, it’s a valid question. He knows I don’t intend to have sex until I’m married, so, surely he was thinking there must be other ways for virgins like me to get… satisfaction. However, I had not, and after informing him of this fact he paused a minute before asking, “Would you like to watch some?”.

Well, I think I may have ruined porn for him. He was so excited at first, pulling up the website, and asking me my preferences. The choice was beyond anything I expected: did I want a threesome, an individual, lesbians (which my boyfriend not-so-subtlety continued to suggest) - but we ended up with some girl on guy porn entitled “The Art of Seduction”.

I think I may have missed the point. First of all, the guy was blindfolded and tied up, which was great! A little bit of BDSM seems to work to spice up quite a few relationships. However, the woman didn’t really seem to grasp the concept of the situation. Seductively spreading your legs or undressing isn’t going to work because, well… he’s blindfolded. I understand that was put in for fan service, but can we get some plot consistency, please!

I mean, after giving him a half-hearted blowjob they were going at it both fully nude on top of a mahogany table, banging up against a painting that looked expensive enough that it did not need to be damaged by contact with the oils in human skin. Whatever happened to the seduction part? I sure as hell didn’t feel seduced. I’m not even going to start on the lack of story-line, or character development. To be fair, the camera angles were varied enough to make it an immersive viewing experience, but for the director of “The Art of Seduction”, you have 2/5 stars for the ambiguity and discontinuity evidenced in your work. 

Moving on. The second video we watched was more along the lines of the how-to genre. Aptly entitled “The Shaking Orgasm”, this particular scene represented a lone woman servicing herself in a manner that caused her to literally shake (I’m guessing that’s where they got the title from). I must say, the lighting was FANTASTIC! Honestly, an enjoyable visual experience. Her black bodice contrasted nicely with the white kitchen in which the scene was set. The makeup was to-die-for, and even the dildo she used fit into the larger ascetic.

The protagonist mounted proudly on top of the counter - perhaps a deeper insight into the human psyche; perhaps a feminist commentary on female sexual liberation; perhaps, and bear with me, a manifestation of the modern woman…or maybe just porn. Say, is there a Wikipedia page where I can go back and look up these actresses? With so many ways in which to interpret this scene, I feel like I want to get into a nice long discussion over the valid interpretation of the socio-economic implications of this work. 

However, if it’s possible, I didn’t watch the porn correctly. Apparently it’s supposed to excite you. And not in a wow-the-dénouement-was-shit way, but more of a Marvin Gaye “let’s get it on” way. I think my porn viewing experience can be aptly summed up in my boyfriend’s disheartened words after the last video finished: “let’s never do that again”.