Knowing you’ve pleased your partner in bed is hot. Being pleased is hotter. However, for many of us, being clear about what you want can be a challenge. When having frequent sex with the same person, finding the right balance between encouragement and constructive criticism can be a difficult point to reach, particularly if the other person is not confident enough in their own abilities to take feedback well. However, it is important to remember that sex is a two way street. If you are not having an orgasm, don’t fake it. Here are three simple ways to open up sexual communication with your partner.
How was it for you?
With more to it than just a cheesy Hollywood line, the importance of asking this question should not be underestimated. It is inevitable that at the beginning of a sexual relationship, asking this will result in a hastily reassuring reply. Of course, being too critical at first can have an effect contradictory to your aim - people often just need while to warm up to each other and figure out each others' needs! However, there does come a time when asking and answering honestly is essential to any healthy sex life. If something wasn’t quite the way you liked it, try responding with something like ‘I love it when you do this - can do try more of that next time?’, or ‘It was great, but my favourite position is this, do you like it?’
N.B. Do not do a Jim Carey in Liar Liar and simply respond ‘I’ve had better’.
This brings me to the next important means of communication: positively reinforcing the good things your partner does to encourage them to do it more. I don’t mean you have to theatrically gasp and moan every time they do something right. Nor, in the view that 26% of women fake an orgasm every time they have sex, is this ever a reason to fake an orgasm! However, being a little vocal about enjoying something should never go amiss. An easy, and sometimes sexy, way to receive more of something is simply to ask them to keep going and not to stop. Almost more than criticism, positive feedback can be the biggest change driver in any sexual partnership.
Not just for frustrated teenagers, sexting can be a fantastic way to improve your sex life. When creating sex via text, people are often more willing to take risks, both because it’s easier to be honest behind a phone screen and because the other person can engineer a reaction far more kindly than face to face. For this reason, paying attention to what your partner writes while sexting can be very helpful. If they write about a scenario, consider trying it next time. Likewise, this is your chance to emulate your real fantasies without being nervous about their reaction. Try to recreate something that you have always wanted them to do, or wish they did more of, and perhaps this will inspire them for next time!