Manoeuvring a one night stand can be a tricky endeavour. There are too many variables for every one to go swimmingly: who is providing the protection; what if you drank a bit too much and wake up in a strange house feeling pretty sick; will you bump into them the following day? In a town as small as St Andrews, some of these variables are made all the more difficult. With only three streets of potential places to smack into them, and a rumour mill worthy of high school, Label brings you the definitive guide to perfecting your one night (and one night only) stand.
- Keep the chat to a minimum. You both know what you're there for. No one cares whether you handed in an assignment late that day or your tutor is stressing you out. Let the sex begin.
- Mutually know that it is a one night stand (and, of course, agree that it is mutually consensual). This doesn't necessarily have to be explicit, but always be sure you're on the same page to avoid any unwanted feelings.
- Satisfy your partner's needs, and we are talking food here, since you probably passed up on Dervish in a hurry to get down to business.
- Wear a condom. No one wants a one night stand baby or STD. The host MUST provide.
- Remember that not everyone is as flexible as your latest porn star crush. We do have joints, people, and they do not bend that way.
- Avoid the walk of shame at peak times. AKA, from 10 to until the hour, in the mad rush to get to/leave lectures. Our advice: your window between quarter past and quarter to the hour. Also, if you have a mate who's also been on the pull, get them to meet you. It'll make your walk of shame less obvious and more enjoyable. Also, avoid busy roads. The three streets of St Andrews can be pretty quickly escaped if you pick the right alleyways.
- Make sure you are not expecting any visitors early in the morning, especially parentals. It's a bit early to introduce them to your Mum.
- Keep the noise to a minimum. Student hall walls, in particular, are quite thing.
- Keep it to the bed. Shower sex is rather bold with a stranger.
- Kick them out if you have to leave and don't leave them in your bed. Equally, if you have somewhere to be, make sure they leave before you do - no one wants an awkward walk into town together.
- Make sure you get their name right.
- Offer them water and gum in the morning.
- See the humour and don't take it all too seriously. You're both there to have a good time.
- Be prepared for the St Andrews rumour mill.
- Avoid their flatmates.
- Wear/appreciate good underwear.
- In an open relationship? Just...don't bring it up.
- NO BUMS. Never. Just stay away from that region on a one night stand. No one wants to bump into that tiny Tesco and make eye contact when they're had their finger up their bum.
- No hard core dirty talk, or using names during sex. Using names is very intimate.
- No kinks. If you have a weird kink, keep it quiet and don't throw that on a stranger. Kinks are something to be developed in a trusting sexual relationship. "I've been wanting to try this..." is a phrase that should just never ever come up.
- The social media add. If you want to keep this to a one night thing, don't go there. It'll help you avoid drunk messaging, and prevent you from realising just how many mutual friends you have.
- Do it with someone you're in class with. No one wants to sit opposite someone over an analysis of Jane Eyre when all you can think about is them naked.
- Be so drunk that you will have any kind of bodily malfunction, e.g. puking, erectile dysfunction, or just peeing in the bed.
- Do it if a. you're in black tie or b. fancy dress. Also don't borrow their clothes. If you're that desperate, have good friends on standby so that they can bring you clothes.
- Leave anything, especially of significance. We are talking bank cards, matriculation cars, or even underwear.
- Be afraid to use lube.
- Have sex on your period. (Like kinks, this is something for a trusting relationship).
- Cuddling. Some would say that cuddling after a one night stand is rather intimate, whereas others would say that falling asleep spooning is part of the sexual experience.
- Saying hi in the street. When you've been as intimate as having one body part inside another, surely it's human nature to say hi? However, you're probably never going to speak again, so why put yourself through the awkward hi for the next four years here?
- Morning sex. You both know you're there for sex so why not make the most of it and have as much as you can? Although, the morning after is slightly more real - much harder to blame on that 1am pablo. You're all gross, covered in alcohol, and hungover. Having sex drunk is a far different ball game than having it sober.
If it's a one night stand, don't make it anything more. You both know what you're there for. Keep it that way.