Is She Gay?

An age-old question: is the girl you’re talking to actually into you or is she just being friendly? In a society where an increasing number of people are becoming more in touch with their sexuality, it is still difficult to gauge whether or not that person you have your eye on is on the same wavelength as you. In this article, Sabine Waldeck expresses her own struggles determining this, and proffers a few tips of her own.

If you are in college and a gay/bi girl, you understand the struggle of figuring out if the girl you are talking to is gay or not. Throughout my first year of college there are a few things I have observed and experienced when it comes girls at parties and trying to figure out if they are flirting or being friendly.

Girls are much more likely to mingle with each other than with guys, even if it is their first meeting at the party. However, as a gay girl this makes it a bit harder to determine whether it is flirting or just regular conversation. It is also pretty common for girls to grind on each other in a completely platonic way, which is in no way a bad thing, since from personal experience grinding on your girlfriends is more comfortable and fun than with a guy in most cases. It is also more than common for girls to compliment each other’s looks or outfit, especially in a party setting. But it gets confusing when you are trying to determine if a girl is doing these things because she is into you or because she is just mingling.


This confusion is no fault of the girl that you are talking to, as they are just having a good time, especially if they are straight. Instead the frustrations lie with trying to put feelers out and feeling uncomfortable doing so. This may not be the case for more confident gay/bi girls, who are comfortable just straight up asking, “Are you into girls?” But I am not bold enough to do so, and I am sure others fall into this category with me.

I have found the process of hooking up with guys to be much simpler, as most guys are the ones to make the first move. More often than not the only reason a guy will come up to a girl he does not really know at a party is to try and see if the girl is willing to stick her tongue in his mouth. They will start a conversation, try and dance with the girl etc., and she can either tell them to f- off or flirt back. But as a girl, trying to hookup with another girl is a little trickier.

It is typically not a comfortable experience trying to figure out if the girl you are talking to is gay or not. The whole time you are in your head studying their body language and responses, looking for any hints that the girl you are talking to is flirting back. This process can also take a significant amount of time because you do not want to be the girl that jumps the gun and starts making out with someone to find out that that is not what they wanted- they were just being friendly, and now things are very awkward. So to avoid this gut wrenching embarrassment, you have to take your time to truly gauge if a girl is into you or if she is just being nice.

Unfortunately, I would not be writing this article if I knew the best ways to determine whether a girl is into you or not. I can give you some advice, but no promises on the success rate.

Take your time when talking. If she talks to you for a few minutes and then walks away with her friends, let her walk. She was probably just making small talk and trying to mingle. However, if you happen to find yourself talking to her throughout the party on multiple occasions, then that may be a cause to suspect a bit more than friendliness.

Watch body language: Is she touching your arm? Leaning in when you speak? Dancing close with you? These would be incentives to start believing this is more than casual girl party talk.

Lastly, ask her friend. The odds of this girl being at the party on her own are slim to none. So, if you, like me, are not bold enough to risk getting rejected from the girl herself, try and slyly ask her friend if she is into girls. This is probably the best and most effective method.

Generally, assessing whether a girl is into other girls or not is hard, and any bi/gay girl can relate to the struggle. I wish we could all gain a bit more confidence and ask straight up (pun intended), but rejection is scary and embarrassing. So, until we all ‘women up’ a bit, we will continue to ask ourselves, is she gay?